Crash and Burn
by mellowship
Summary: Dan confronts Blair about Jenny's departure, but they both have to deal with the aftermath. "Dan's guilt about sleeping with his ex's best friend is overshadowed only by the sheer disbelief that said best friend had actually been willing to do it."
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Don't own Gossip Girl!

Warnings: Possible spoilers & plot speculation

* * *

Crash and Burn

* * *

Almond-shaped eyes scan the crowded bar with scorn as they search for the petite, pouty-lipped brunette responsible for his sister's second exile. Target locked, Dan Humphrey strides purposefully across the floor towards the bathroom, into which a Chanel-clad Blair Waldorf steals away.

Whether it's because of uncharacteristic courage or of sheer stupidity, Dan enters the bathroom behind her and leans against the door to secure privacy for the conversation that's to be had. "Blair." He says her name forcefully, though his legs are as quivery as limp spaghetti.

Blair jumps at the sound of her name and turns away from the bathroom mirror with a perplexed expression on her face. "_Humphrey_?" she asks, eyes wide and amused. "Either there's something you aren't telling me or else you're about to experience serious ridicule for walking into the women's bathroom."

Dan's cheeks burn red, a mix of fury and embarrassment. "You know why I'm here, Blair."

"Freshening up, _Daniella_?" Blair questions haughtily as she turns back to the mirror, painting her lips with a soft red lipstick. Her scarlet dress inches up as she leans over the counter carefully, and if Dan weren't so irate, he might admit that Blair doesn't look half-bad.

Irate he is, however, and so Dan dismisses the image of Blair's pearly white legs, crossing his arms as if to finalize the action. Stepping towards the brunette, he takes a deep breath and says, louder than he intends, "Why'd you do it, huh? Why'd you have to ruin her life _again_? Once wasn't enough for you?"

Incensed, Blair whips around with fire in her eyes. "Jenny Humphrey deserved everything she got. _Everything_. When Chuck brought her back, she was no Mother Teresa, Cabbage Patch. Even _you _should be able to admit that."

Before Dan can respond, a knock sounds at the door and the boy from Brooklyn can't help but groan in frustration. "Occupied!" he shouts to the person on the other side.

Blair grabs Dan's shoulders and tries to move him out of the way, all the while screeching, "Yes, it's occupied by _me_, Humphrey, so get _out_!"

Dan doesn't budge. Thick hands catch thin wrists, lowering them to Blair's side. "Blair," Dan begins, "you need to understand that this? This whole 'I control everything and everyone' bit? It's ridiculous. You're ruining my sister's chance to actually _do _something with her life, all because she slept with your _ex_."

Blair's jaw clenches, her lips forming a crimson slash across her porcelain skin. She inches close to Dan's face and Dan finds himself struggling not to show a reaction. "Do _not _put Chuck and Jenny in the same sentence. They're both bad apples, Humphrey, but your sister is rotten to the core. The sooner you realize that, the better." Each word formed by Blair's carefully painted lips is laced with venom, and Dan's body tingles in an adverse reaction.

Wanting nothing more than to smear the perfectly applied color all over Blair's flawless complexion, Dan balls his fists. Blair? She's always been the picture of unattainability. From her immaculate make-up to her expertly pressed designer clothes, Blair is, in the world of the Upper East Side, supreme. For more than a fleeting second, Dan wonders what it would be like to see her in her most vulnerable state, because at the moment, he doesn't believe the word is even in Blair's lexicon.

His eyes drift towards Blair's clavicle, a distinct bite mark marring her skin there. Wondering about its origins, Dan doesn't even respond until Blair's shrill voice calls his name for the third time. "Humphrey! Either finish what you started or get the hell out of here!"

Dan blinks several times, looking up. "Uh, sorry. I was just – where did you get that from?" Gesturing to her collarbone, Dan is pleased as Blair gets visibly flustered.

Lush chestnut curls jostle as Blair shakes her head. "_Excuse_ you, but that's none of your business, Humphrey. Move out of my way. I've had enough contact with you tonight to last a lifetime."

Seeing his opportunity, Dan raises a knowing brow. "It's from Chuck, isn't it? See, Blair? This is what I mean. You treat my sister like dirt and yet when Chuck does the same to you, he gets to see you naked. Kind of a double standard, don't you think?"

Blair is clearly livid, her eyes growing dark as she snarls, "I can do _what _I want with _whom_ I want. What is it you want me to do, Humphrey? Should I offer myself up to your sister as a peace offering? I don't know what sick, twisted fantasies occupy your dirty Brooklyn mind, but I'm pretty sure that even _Jenny_ would oppose."

Sighing heavily, Dan puts his hand to his forehead. "Blair, that's not what I meant and you know it."

Fists pound on the other side of the door, and this time, Blair is the one to respond. "Go away!" she shouts, before lowering her tone dangerously. "What _did _you mean exactly?"

Dan shrugs. "I – Well, I just don't get you, I guess. I don't get why you can hate Jenny so much, but then just bend to Chuck's will after everything he's done to you. It's – It's just not fair." Watching as Blair relaxes in her stance, dress hugging tight against her curves, Dan finds himself compelled to add, "to either of you."

Blair's eyes flutter to Dan's mouth for a split second before lifting back to meet his stare. Her voice is steely, unimpressed, as she replies, "Why do you care whether or not things are fair to me?"

Dan forces a hand through his hair. "I, uh, don't. At all, actually." Starting to regain his footing, Dan voice grows more confident. "I'm – I'm _glad _you're getting a taste of your own medicine. It's long overdue. I just can't wait to see the day you finally realize Chuck only cares about fulfilling his _own_ needs." He shifts on his feet, gauging Blair's reaction.

It's not a good one, and Blair doesn't hold back as she yanks hard on Dan's collar, drawing him close to her. "At least _someone's_ been fulfilling my needs. You don't have _anyone_," she hisses. "You're always going to come second, Humphrey, and let's be honest, nobody cares about second place."

Seeing red, Dan grabs Blair's wrist, pulling her hand away from his shirt. He appraises her pristine curls, the feeling of entitlement emanating from Blair's posture, and all of a sudden a feeling of unadulterated _something_ bubbles in his veins. His hand still wrapped around Blair's wrist, Dan says through gritted teeth, "You know, I like to think I'm a good guy. At least I try to be one. I've never ever said this to anyone, so bravo, but Blair? I _hate_ you."

Blair's lips part in surprise before she quickly recovers, replacing her shocked expression with that of pure loathing. Her nose crinkles in disgust as she sneers coolly, "Not _nearly_ as much as I hate _you_, Dan Humphrey."

Dan uses his grip on her wrist to pull her closer to him. Caught off-guard, Blair doesn't react fast enough as Dan crashes his lips against hers, teeth sinking roughly into her bottom lip. "Is this how Chuck kisses you, Blair? Like he _despises _you?" Dan asks as he draws back. "Take it from a guy, desperation is far from attractive."

"How _dare_ you!" Blair seethes, winding her hand back to smack Dan hard across the face. Her chest heaves with anger.

Dan breathes heavily as he touches his reddened cheek. He opens his mouth to respond, but Blair stops him with a harsh kiss. She tastes like peppermint mixed with watermelon bellini, and Dan doesn't resist as Blair's tongue wrestles against his. Her fingernails dig deep against the skin of Dan's biceps as she finishes the kiss with a light nip. "_That_," growls Blair, "is how Chuck kisses me."

Speechless, Dan can only stare at Blair with a mix of animosity and pure lust. In return, Blair glowers, her bee-stung lips quivering in contempt. When a third person knocks on the bathroom door, the brunette pair both shout, "Go away!"

Now, the bathroom is silent, though the bass from the music in the bar can be felt beneath two pairs of feet. Before Dan realizes what he's doing, he puts a wide hand around Blair's narrow waist, pulling her towards him. His other hand buries itself fervently within lustrous locks as he dips down and kisses Blair again. Even though this kiss isn't rough or harsh or _Chuck_, Blair responds, arching her back and pressing herself against Dan's chest. She lets her hands run up and down two surprisingly toned arms before lacing manicured fingers behind the Brooklynite's neck.

Blair sighs against Dan's mouth as the latter lifts her light body with ease. Wrapping her legs around his waist, Blair grazes her nails over Dan's shoulders, moaning softly as he sits her on the bathroom sink. However, even in his angered lust, Dan finds himself being a gentleman. "Blair," he murmurs into her ear, "are you sure?"

For some reason beyond Dan's comprehension, his words stir a reaction in Blair. Chocolate orbs widen in surprise, glistening. Dan observes her curiously as Blair scans his face, seemingly memorizing every contour, every line, every blemish. Detecting the faintest of nods, Dan lets his fingers play with the hem of Blair's dress before plunging upward.

* * *

When Gossip Girl sends out the blast of Blair and Dan leaving the same bathroom later that night, Dan isn't surprised. He's laying in his bed, trying to figure out how to tackle the imminent shit-storm ahead of him, when his phone lights up and vibrates.

**_Good job. Now the whole world is going to think I parade around with second-class citizens._**

"Only Blair," Dan says to himself with a roll of the eyes. His fingers move quickly as he texts back **Even if u don't parade around w/ them, u still have bathroom sex w/ them.**

_**You are honestly the most repulsive person I've ever met. It wasn't even that good.**_

**Likewise. **

(That's only half-truth: he _does_ loathe her, but damn it if he didn't just have the best sex of his life.)

_**Fix this. NOW. **__**  
**_

**Yeah, cuz I'm so good at scheming n all that.**

Blair doesn't respond for quite a while, and Dan is about to fall asleep when, lo and behold, he gets a text.

**_Fine. My place. Tomorrow. Noon. Don't keep me waiting or I'll ship you off right along with your sister._**

Dan shakes his head as he reads her text. Same old Blair; nothing's changed, and it's quite clear to Dan that their little chat in the bathroom has done nothing but spark rage-fueled sex.

**Sounds terrible. But fine. Noon it is.**

**

* * *

**It's only when he wakes up the next morning that he realizes he still smells of Blair Waldorf.

The strange thing is, as Dan washes away last night's encounter, he already misses it.

* * *

_AN: I like this and I know where I want it to go but I'm not going to work on it until I know people are interested! So, in other words, let me know if you liked it. An update for Every Other Sunday is coming within the week, for those who have been reading that, so... cheers!_


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Don't own Gossip Girl!

Warnings: Possible spoilers & plot speculation

* * *

Crash and Burn

* * *

"What the _hell_ were you thinking, Blair!" Serena's shrill shout pierces Blair's ears, prompting the brunette to mute her television with an exaggerated sigh.

Sitting up in her bed, Blair folds her hands neatly in her lap and looks at her friend stonily. "Nothing happened between me and Dan, S," Blair lies, trying to keep her dark eyes focused on Serena's aquamarine ones.

Shaking her head in disbelief, Serena counters, "Then explain why he was in the bathroom of 1Oak with you, Blair, because really, I'm not so convinced."

"He wanted to know what part I played in sending Jenny away after the Saints and Sinners party. I told him, and that was it, S. Honest." By the look on Serena's face, Blair can tell her friend isn't convinced, and so elaborating, Blair adds, "Do you honestly think I would _ever_ touch Humphrey?"

Blair's last phrase seems to have done the trick; Serena's glare softens as she gives Blair a dim smile. "Yeah, that wouldn't be very Blair-like, would it?" the blonde chuckles. "Okay, B. I believe you. Sorry for freaking out. Forgive me?"

Forcing a smile upon her lips, Blair nods, taking her friend's hands in her own and giving them a squeeze. "Of course, S. Forgiven and forgotten." Stomach twisting viciously, Blair punctuates her response with a high-pitched laugh.

"Good!" Serena says jovially, her demeanor immediately brightening. Golden waves reflect light from the morning sun as Serena starts walking towards the door. "Don't wait up for me, B. Colin has an entire weekend planned out for us in the Hamptons and I'm crossing my fingers it goes off without a hitch." She looks at Blair over her shoulder, wiggling her eyebrows with a mischievous grin on her face.

Blair can't help but laugh with her best friend. "Well, then I'm guessing crossing your _legs_ is going to be out of the question?"

"Hey, he gave up his job for me, B! That's more than a little romantic," Serena responds playfully as she walks out of the bedroom.

* * *

Once Serena is out of sight, Blair throws herself back on the bed with a loud groan. Lying to Serena definitely had _not_ been in her itinerary of things to do today. Blair knows that Serena would probably be furious if she found out the truth, but she also knows that the blonde would eventually be okay. After all, how could Serena not be, since _she'd _been the one to date Blair's first love?

"Ugh," Blair snorts, not wanting to think about the situation anymore. Aiming the remote control at the television, Blair shuts the screen off and reaches in her nightstand for her iPod. She powers the device up, presses 'shuffle' and closes her eyes, the knot in her stomach tightening further.

The first song comes on, her iPod taunting Blair with its song choice by The Killers, "Jenny Was a Friend of Mine".

"You've got to be kidding me," she grimaces under her breath.

Images of the past few weeks churn in Blair's mind as the song plays.

She thinks of the Saints and Sinners party, of Jenny Humphrey returning once again to seduce an unsuspecting Nate. The look on Serena's face that night upon seeing the lanky blonde had been enough for Blair to take action, and after a quick martini, she did. Jenny Humphrey had left for the Hudson again after a public humiliation involving a certain drug-dealer named Damien, who had been so keen to oblige to Blair's commands because of his affections for Serena (or rather, for her long legs).

The next thought that crosses Blair's mind concerns Chuck Bass and the malicious spite in his eyes after she had rejected him for the umpteenth time. Blair's memory swirls as the night is recollected. Chuck had fucked her roughly and passionately in the basement of Victrola, and when Blair had refused to deign to his request to put the past behind them, Chuck's only response had been a crude kiss and an obtuse analogy to magnets. "Magnets don't have the capability to trade their girlfriends for hotels" had been the last thing out of Blair's mouth to him.

Turning on her side, Blair hugs the iPod close to her body, trying to think of something, _anything_ but Chuck.

Images of plaid shirts and gasping mouths and French-tipped fingers clawing down muscled flesh immediately invade her mind. Blair can almost feel the calloused hands dragging across her hips urgently, and her eyes fly open at the sensation. Bolting up into a sitting position, Blair rips the ear buds from her ears and lets the iPod drop to the floor.

"Blair? Are, um, you okay?" Dan's deep, calm voice fills the room as he pops his head through the door.

Startled, Blair snaps, "_Humphrey_? Who let you in here?" She stiffens her back regally as she faces Dan, hoping that the latter doesn't notice how flustered she is.

Dan opens the bedroom door tentatively and steps in, his scuffed brown Timberlands tracking across Blair's plush floor invasively. "Uh, Dorota did. You told me to come over at noon, so here I am."

"Don't pretend I asked you here out of my own volition," Blair scowls, reaching over the side of her bed for her laptop and opening it swiftly. "It's a necessity to prevent my falling from social grace. Judging by your shoes, _you_ don't have far to fall, so you've got nothing to worry about. Oh, and speaking of shoes, take them off. They're filthy."

Clenching his jaw, Dan bends down and obliges, tossing each shoe into the corner of Blair's bedroom. "I don't want to be here anymore than you don't want me here, Blair. I promise you that." Blair watches him through narrowed eyes as Dan moves to sit on the edge of the bed. His faded denim jeans and gray t-shirt compose a plain and relaxed outfit, and while Blair can admit that he's not the ugliest person in the world, she still can't believe what happened last night. Dan catches her staring at him, prompting him to wave a hand in her face. "Earth to Blair."

Blair's shoulders jump slightly. "_What_?" she glowers, gathering her chestnut locks and draping them over one shoulder. Looking down at her computer screen, Blair types something furiously into the search box.

Dan shrugs as he watches Blair with interest. "You kinda went all zombie on me."

"Yeah, well, I couldn't look away from your trainwreck of an outfit, apparently," Blair huffs, catching Dan's stare before quickly averting her eyes again. "Let's just figure out what the hell we're going to do so you can be on your merry way back to your third world country."

Dan blinks several times before replying, indignant, "What exactly do you _get _out of insulting my background, Blair? I've never understood."

Looking up, Blair says with a saccharine smile, "Pleasure, Humphrey. Pure, unadulterated _pleasure._" She turns her attention back to her laptop. Clicking on a link on the Gossip Girl website, Blair frowns. "Interesting," she murmurs softly.

"What? Is Barney's having a shoe sale?" Dan asks, feigning disinterest.

"Yes, but that's beside the point." Blair turns the screen towards Dan, revealing the Gossip Girl site and what looks to be Juliet Sharp leaving Serena's boyfriend's building earlier this morning.

Dan leans forward, squinting at the picture. "Wait, that's – that's Juliet, right? But what is she doing at Colin's?"

"Question of the day, Humphrey," Blair mutters, setting the laptop beside her on the bed and crossing her legs Indian-style. "I wonder why we haven't got a blast yet. Gossip Girl's usually on top of her game."

With eerily coincidental timing, both Dan's and Blair's phones buzzed loudly.

**Spotted: A smiling Juliet bidding adieu to S's Romeo. The Capulets and the Montagues have nothing on the war that's about to erupt between Sharp and van der Woodsen.**

Dan and Blair both look at each other. "Wow," Dan mouths, drumming on his knees.

"Two-timing may have worked for Brad Pitt but it's _not _going to work for Colin," says Blair calmly as she sends a text to her best friend.

Putting his hand to his chin, Dan makes an observation. "Blair," he asks, "don't you find it a little odd that Juliet's getting in between Serena and, um, well, practically everything?"

Blair's jaw drops. "Humphrey!" she exclaims, crawling across the bed to slap him in the knees. "You're a genius!"

"I am?" Dan scratches his head.

"Okay, I wouldn't go _that_ far, but you're definitely on to something," Blair declares with a triumphant smile.

"Um, Blair…" Dan's eyes flicker to his knees, upon which Blair's hands still rest.

Catching his drift, Blair draws her hands back as if they have just been scalded. "Scheming gets me all worked up," she explains, scootching backwards towards the bed's headboard.

Dan's cheeks flush. "Well, uh, why don't you just tell me why I'm such a genius," he suggests lightly. "After all, a compliment from Blair Waldorf is a rare thing."

"Oh, I still hate you, Humphrey. _That _hasn't changed." Blair examines her fingernails coolly.

Nodding his head slowly, Dan says, "The feeling's reciprocated. I just choose _not_ to belittle and demean my objects of loathing."

Blair looks up with an amused smirk on her face. "You just called me an object, Humphrey. Wouldn't you say _that's_ a little demeaning? Nevermind the fact that you – ugh, gross. I can't even say it without wanting to cut my tongue off."

Dan fumbles with the pocket of his t-shirt, bowing his head. "Yeah. About last night, Blair. I – I was a little bit out of line," he admits, a tinge of shame in his voice.

"Well, you weren't exactly the sweetest person ever," Blair replies, "but then again, I never am. Besides, it's not every day I get to see Dan Humphrey's Mel Gibson side."

Dan chuckles. "Uh, yeah, somehow I don't think being compared to Mel Gibson is a good thing."

"Let's put it this way, Humphrey. I always thought you were some holier-than-thou do-gooder with no feel for the real world. Now, I know I was..."

"Wrong?" offers Dan, eyes watching Blair with renewed interest.

"Not _entirely_ correct in my assumptions," Blair says superciliously. "Sometimes, you've got to push back when you're pushed, and now I see that you can. So, congrats, Humphrey, you're not as hopeless as I once thought."

"Er, thanks, Blair?"

"Not welcome," Blair answers sharply. "Anyways, back to Juliet." She puts her laptop atop her legs and gestures for Dan to come sit next to her. When he obliges, Blair cross-searches the Gossip Girl site for 'Serena van der Woodsen' and 'Juliet Sharp'; several posts come up. "Look at all of this, Humphrey. You're so right. Something isn't clean in the water and Juliet's definitely the one who poisoned it."

Scanning several of the posts' names, Blair realizes that not only has Juliet been a part of the Hamilton House debacle, but she has also infiltrated Serena's relationship with Nate as well Dan's with Vanessa's. Suddenly, a though comes to Blair's mind. "Humphrey," she asks, "can you explain to me why you and Vanessa broke up again?

Dan gives Blair a curious look, but he answers the question anyways. "Sure. She sabotaged Serena. You know, the whole Columbia thing. Even though Vanessa said that Juliet did it, I - oh my god." He drops his head in his hands in disbelief. "I believed Juliet over Vanessa. I'm – I'm an idiot."

"Humphrey, get it together," Blair commands, snapping her fingers in his face. "It's not about what _you _did. It's about why Juliet would want to come between you and Vanessa."

Blinking, Dan tries to think. "Maybe – maybe Vanessa just got in the way of what Juliet had planned. Clearly, the psycho has it out for Serena for whatever that reason may be."

"Or _maybe_, Juliet knew what _exactly _what Vanessa would do because she wanted you single!" Blair shakes Dan's shoulder excitedly, thrilled at possibility of finding out Juliet's motives.

Dan sighs. "But _why_ would she want me single, Blair? So Serena would get back together with me? I'm pretty sure the entire reason Juliet came into our lives was to get everyone _away_ from Serena."

"Exactly, Humphrey! She wants Serena isolated! The only way _that's_ going to happen is if she gets _me_ away from S, and that would never happen unless… unless…" Blair's face falls. "What if Juliet was the one who sent out the Gossip Girl blast last night? She _knew_ how furious Serena would be if she thought anything was going on between you and me, and after what happened with Jenny, I guarantee you Juliet knew that you would react strongly."

Exhaling loudly, Dan runs a hand through his hair. "Wow. That – that makes a lot of sense. But I still don't get why she wants to destroy Serena's life. It all sounds so… so _ridiculous_."

"Then we take it upon ourselves to find out," Blair murmurs, twinkling eyes flickering to Dan's perplexed face.

Catching Blair's glance, Dan smiles crookedly. "You know what? I'm in, but, uh, what's step two?"

"We pretend to date," Blair says perkily as if it's the most obvious answer in the world. "If Juliet thinks she's winning, then she'll never see it coming when the rug is pulled out from under her scrawny little legs."

Dan whistles loudly. "Interesting thought. You think we should let Serena in on this?"

Dark curls shaking vehemently, Blair chastises, "No! First matter of importance is showing Juliet's true colors. We can't do that if Serena acts different than she normally would. While S may have done a Golden Globe-worthy job in the Hamilton House escapade, _this _show needs an actress capable of winning an Academy Award."

"And that would be?" Dan raises an eyebrow.

Blair sighs heavily. "Me, of course!"

"Of course," smiles Dan, rolling his eyes. "Like I said, I'm in. I'm, well, I'm just worried this is going to blow up in our faces."

Shrugging, Blair states calmly, "When there's nothing left to burn, Humphrey, you have to set yourself on fire." (1) Turning off her laptop, she sets it on the side of the bed. Blair stretches as she stands up, a sliver of her milky midriff causing Dan to swallow hard. Noticing this, Blair crosses her arms with a smirk. "Now you're shy? Interesting. I give you permission to leave, Humphrey, but we have a date tomorrow afternoon."

Getting up to retrieve his shoes, Dan asks, "We do?"

"We do. You'll pick me up at three in the afternoon with a bouquet of pink peonies and we'll go from there."

Nodding, Dan starts putting his shoes on. "I think I can handle that. Hey, um, about the whole hate thing…"

"Still stands." Her tone is full of vitriol, but for a split second, Blair feels nothing but absolute guilt.

Dan's expression is muted. "Right," he agrees.

As she stands near her vanity, Blair finds herself staring at an exiting Dan's back. Turning to her vanity mirror, she forces a weak smile.

Acting is a bitch.

* * *

(1) From Stars' _Your Ex-Lover Is Dead_

_AN: Wow, this was way longer than I expected. I'm going my own route with this whole Juliet thing, just so ya know, so expect things to be (mostly) different from the show for sure. Next chapter's Dan's POV, I think. I should have the next chapter out before Halloween! Thanks for all of the responses, everyone, truly. I'm glad to know there is interest in this story because I think the worst thing as an author is to have the feeling that no one likes your stuff, ya know? Anyways, hope you enjoyed =)  
_


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Don't own Gossip Girl!

Warnings: Possible spoilers & plot speculation

* * *

Crash and Burn

* * *

Standing shakily on one leg, Dan jams his right leg into a pair of his best dark denims. He follows suit with his left leg, and then wipes his brow. He still can't believe the situation. He, Dan Humphrey, and the woman even Darth Vader would be afraid of, are about to go on a real, live, actual _date_.

Dan slaps a hand to his forehead and grimaces. He can see it now – Blair's face contorting into expression of disgust as she scolds, "No, Humphrey, _Star Wars_ references are _bad_."

With that thought, Dan decides to leave mention of all things sci-fi at home. Crossing his small bedroom, Dan pushes hangers to the side in his cramped closet, trying to find a shirt that Blair would be able to tolerate without comparing him to the bum on 8th street. He settles on a simple black button-down, imagining that the only insult Blair'll be able to stir up is something about the Dark Ages.

Dan spritzes himself with Abercrombie's _Fierce_ cologne before freezing suddenly.

_Why am I acting like I care what she thinks? _

He doesn't really have an answer, but Dan attributes it to the notion that he's supposed to be some semblance of a gentleman, even if the woman in question _is _as strategic and manipulative as Lady Macbeth. Shaking the thought out of his mind, Dan grabs his wallet off of the top of his desk and slips into a pair of black Nautica boat shoes. He pats himself down and makes sure he has everything before exiting his bedroom, and soon enough, his apartment.

Once outside of his apartment, Dan doesn't immediately grab a cab; rather, he finds himself walking, hands in pocket, down the street towards the nearest florist.

As Dan enters Floral Heights, his head spins; the sheer amount of foliage in the shop is enough to suffocate a man. "Can I help you find something?" A stout, gray-haired fellow with round black glasses peeks at Dan around a hanging flower pot.

"Uh, yeah," Dan answers. "I need a bunch of peonies. Pink, preferably."

"For the special lady in your life?" the old man asks with a wink as he beckons for Dan to follow him.

Giving the florist an embarrassed grin, Dan shrugs. "Ah, not really. It's more of a 'buy me flowers or I'll kill you with my bare hands' type of situation."

"Oh, my wife is the exact same way," the old man says with a chuckle.

Dan thrusts his hands out in front of him. "Whoa, whoa, whoa. She's not my –"

"Here we are. How do eight sound?" Interrupting Dan, the florist pulls a bundle of peonies from a water-filled bucket.

"Sounds great. Thanks," answers Dan, exasperated. He doesn't bother protesting the florist's comparison again.

After paying for the flowers (eighty dollars' worth, to be exact), Dan hurries out of the store and hails a taxi. Slumping in the ragged leather seats of the vehicle, he can't help but feel a sense of impending doom.

He knocks on the door of Blair's penthouse, peonies gripped so tightly in his hand that Dan's afraid the stem will snap in two. Stomach suddenly dropping to the floor, he wants to abandon the flowers and make a break for the elevator that's closing slowly behind him. Now, Dan knows he isn't necessarily known for being suave and confident like a certain Charlie Trout, but he's _never _had such first "date" jitters like this before.

Dan doesn't get the chance to chicken out of the plan, however, because the door suddenly creaks open to reveal a cheerful-faced Dorota. "Mister Humphrey," she greets him (Dan doesn't miss the way even _Dorota_ calls him by his last name), "Miss Blair is expecting you. Wait in foyer for her, Miss Blair say."

Swallowing hard, Dan manages a curt nod and enters the luxurious penthouse, finding a seat on a wide, white chaise lounge. Dorota heads towards the kitchen, leaving Dan alone in his anxiety. He crosses his legs, uncrosses them, taps his feet rapidly on the marble tile; simply put, Dan has never been more uncomfortable in his life.

When he hears the door to Blair's bedroom creak open, Dan finds himself twisting the flowers in his hand, as if the action will soothe his nerves. Bowing his head, Dan can't bring himself to look up, for fear of turning to stone.

"Good afternoon, Humphrey," Blair calls sweetly over the banister.

Slowly, reluctantly, Dan lifts his gaze. His eyes widen as they fall upon Blair. She's dressed in a form-fitting, knee-length emerald skirt and a soft cream turtleneck. An emerald headband lies upon dark curls, and dazzling black diamonds complete the ensemble. Immediately, Dan stands up, flowers dropping to his side. "Wow, Blair," Dan marvels instinctively, "you, um, look great." Internally, he wants to kick himself at his reaction; they _hate _each other, after all, and the last thing Dan wants is another thing for Blair to hold over his head.

Still, though, Dan can't help but wonder if she had put a certain amount of thought into her appearance for the occasion, because Blair – well, Dan would be a liar if he didn't acknowledge the fact that she looks damn good today.

"Why thank you. Feel free to close your mouth that any time," Blair responds with a conceited smirk. Descending the staircase, she observes the peonies in Dan's hand and her smirk turns to a surprised grin. "You remembered. I'm impressed."

"Yeah, well I'm not the _worst_ date in the world," Dan jests, his discomfort easing slightly.

Blair meets Dan in the center of the foyer, her expensive ensemble a striking juxtaposition against Dan's understated attire. Dan's hands are still wrapped around the bouquet, prompting Blair to clear her throat with an expectant look. "Oh, right. Sorry," Dan apologizes, handing Blair her peonies.

He watches her intently as Blair brings the flowers to her nose and inhales the light, fragrant scent. "My favorite," she comments before quirking a well-groomed eyebrow. "If only the stems weren't half-broken. Humphrey, have you taken up arm-wrestling?"

With a casual shrug, Dan grins mutely. "Oh, yeah. My guns rival Mr. Olympia's if you haven't noticed."

Amused, Blair shakes her head. "The closest you'll get to Mr. Olympia is clicking on his picture on TMZ." Heels clacking on the tile, Blair starts towards the kitchen, calling over her shoulder, "Wait here. I need to give these to Dorota to put in water."

Eyes following Blair as she walks out of the foyer, Dan exhales. There's something different going on here, but he can't quite put his finger on it.

_The feeling of civility, maybe?_

Dan hasn't much time to muse because Blair soon comes out of the kitchen, immediately making her way to the coatrack to retrieve her white pea coat. "Here's the deal, Humphrey," she begins matter-of-factly, "if we're going to go through with this, it has to be done right. That means – follow me." Opening the door, she waits expectantly until Dan catches her drift and comes to her side.

They walk out of the penthouse and Blair presses the 'down' button for the elevator. "That means," she continues, "that we aren't Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal, who so _obviously_ want to be seen. We need to be R. Pattz and Kristen Stewart – coy, under the radar, incognito –"

"I think I got it, Blair," Dan interrupts, stepping behind Blair into the elevator. "But, uh, how do we go 'incognito' in the land of the Gossip Girl minions?"

Blair rolls her eyes. "Obviously that's not really possible, Humphrey. That's the point. We have to _pretend_ to pretend we aren't together. Do you follow?"

Dan knits his brows together trying to decipher Blair's words. "Er, no, not entirely," he confesses.

"Look," Blair explains as the elevator opens up to the lobby floor, "since I'm me and you're – well, you're _you_, most would assume that we would never date, or if we did, that we wouldn't flaunt it all over the Upper East Side. Especially after Juliet's blast. We can't act all coupley and in love."

"Uh, Blair, we _aren't_ all coupley and in love," Dan points out as he pulls open the door for the lush brunette.

Once outside, Blair immediately starts walking briskly. She tosses a playful look over her shoulder. "Good, then this should be easy."

Dan shakes his head, amazed at Blair's confidence, and he half-jogs to catch up with her. They walk side by side at an arm's distance, and, despite all internal urges _not_ to, Dan finds himself staring at Blair, whose cheeks have become reddened by the cold December air.

Blair catches him looking at her and draws her coat closer to her body. "Yes?"

"Nothing."

"Don't you want to know where we're going?" she teases, easing her pace.

Dan adjusts his own gait to match Blair's. Blowing into his hands and rubbing them for warmth, Dan grins crookedly. "Uh, let me guess. Bergdorf's?"

"_No_, Humphrey. You'll be pleased to know I've decided on a quaint little coffee shop on 5th and Lexington," Blair informs him pragmatically. "You can enjoy your steamed mocha-lattes or whatever it is you get at those places. I'd prefer to lunch at Nobu but I know you have limited funds."

Rolling his eyes, Dan can't help but be reminded why he has issues with Blair in the first place. "How considerate of you."

"I know," Blair says with a wave of her hand, not missing his sarcasm. "Now, Humphrey, I try not to talk with to the lowly masses so if you'll be so kind as to get my drink when we get there, I won't hate you quite as much. It's a good trade-off if you ask me."

Dan's head buzzes as he watches the brunette continue talking without missing a beat.

_Today's gonna be a long day_.

* * *

Once inside the coffee shop, Blair finds a seat at a cozy little corner table while Dan heads over to the register. Looking over the menu, he realizes that he has _no_ idea what Blair wants. Dan beckons Blair to the register with an urgent wave.

Huffing, Blair gets up, head held high as she weaves through the tables. "Yes?"

Dan shrugs as he gestures to the menu. "You never told me what you wanted."

Taking a moment to read over the options, Blair gives Dan a pat on the arm. "Straight black coffee or the spiced apple cider. I can't decide."

"And you want _me _to?" Dan asks, incredulous.

Wordlessly, Blair smirks as she saunters back to the table. Dan weighs his options and opts to get her the apple cider, taking into consideration Blair's well-known love for all things autumn (and a few extra calories would do her some good, he rationalizes). For himself, Dan gets a hot chocolate with whipped cream, deciding that Blair's constant chatter provides enough stimulation to last him the day.

Beverages in hand, Dan finds the table Blair had chosen and pulls out a chair. "What's the verdict, Humphrey?" Blair asks as Dan sets her drink in front of her.

Dan sits down, crossing an ankle over his knee. "It's a surprise," he says nonchalantly. Inside, however, he admits that he hopes he had made the right choice. Intrigued, Blair shoots Dan a quizzical glance before taking a wary sip of the warm cider. A content sigh indicates to Dan that Blair is pleased, and with that notion, he finds that he's rather delighted himself.

Dan takes the lid off of his hot chocolate and, with a finger, dips into the mound of whipped cream that's quickly dissipating. Catching Blair's horrified expression, Dan shrugs. "Growing up with a man-child for a father, it's, ah, bound to happen."

Suddenly realizing that they're not exactly at each other's throats, Blair decides a subject change is in order; after all, as Chuck had once taught her, business and pleasure are not to be mixed. "Serena texted me back about the Gossip Girl blast this morning," she informs Dan after taking a long sip of her cider.

Dan clears his throat. "Oh, yeah? What'd she say?"

"She believes _Colin_ over _Gossip Girl_," Blair says, re-invigorated by the topic. Dan's eyes bulge at the news, and Blair adds, "I know, I can't believe it myself. She's staying in the Hamptons until tomorrow night."

Crossing his arms, Dan leans back in his chair and shakes his head. "Sometimes I just – I don't understand her thought process. There's photographic _proof_ that something's going on." He thinks back to the blast about him and Blair and his cheeks burn reflexively.

Apparently, Blair's thinking the same thing because she answers, "Our situation is different. We're doing this for the greater good, Humphrey. Think about it. If Judge Fox didn't sentence Lindsay Lohan to three months in rehab she could be speed-balling in the bathroom of the Viper Room right now."

"But Blair," Dan points out, "Serena isn't a drug addict on death's doorstep, and you and I? We, uh – well, let's just say we didn't exactly start things with the best intentions."

A shadow of self-disappointment falls over Blair's face. "Damn you, Humphrey."

Dan blinks several times, confused. "Uh, sorry? What did I do?"

"Your ability to initiate self-reflection is unparalleled. I can't believe we didn't think of Serena that night," Blair says regretfully.

Blair's statement is valid. Dan's guilt about sleeping with his ex's best friend is overshadowed only by the sheer disbelief that said best friend had actually been willing to do it. The moral compass within him urges Dan to come clean to Serena and to abandon the scheme, but as his moral compass has been off the past several months, a different inner voice tells Dan that maybe he should just follow through for one in his life.

And he does.

"We can't take back what happened, as much as we want to." Dan gauges Blair's reaction as he says this and for some reason, he feels compelled to add, "You, uh, you _do_ want to take it back, right?"

"Of course!" Blair exclaims quickly. Lowering her voice, Blair takes a compact out of her purse and dabs powder on her cheeks as she says, "You and I never happened as far as I'm concerned."

Dan raises an eyebrow, not quite convinced by Blair's words (he's noticed by now that every time he suspects her of lying, she hides her eyes behind something). Still, Dan wants to be on Blair's level, and so he counters, "Yeah, well, uh, I don't even know what you're talking about because I'm so unconcerned."

Surprised, Blair's head snaps up as she shuts her compact forcefully. "Good," she bites out sassily.

"Excellent," Dan replies before taking a long sip of his hot chocolate. Setting his cup down, Dan catches the bitter expression on Blair's face, and decides to diffuse the tension. "So, uh, Chuck. How is he?"

Blair's face hardens at the mention of her ex's name. "You don't actually care how he is, do you?"

"Ah, not really," Dan responds truthfully. "I'm not the guy's biggest fan."

"Yeah, well neither am I," Blair snaps, more out of spite towards Chuck than anything. "Even spur of the moment hate sex isn't working for us anymore. It's hopeless."

Dan cringes. "Whoa, Blair. Too much information."

"What's too much information?" An arrogant new voice enters the conversation and Blair's eyes widen.

"Chuck, what are you doing here?" she asks stonily, trying not to appear disconcerted.

Chuck Bass, in all his bigheaded glory, stands in front of Dan and Blair's table with a gloating smirk on his face. "I've had a P.I. on you two since the Gossip Girl blast, to confirm things, so when Andrew called me and said that you and _Dan_ were here, I couldn't believe it. I just had to see for myself. Of all the things I've done to try to ruin you, Blair, I daresay you've done it well enough yourself. Sleeping with your best friend's ex is low, even for you."

"You don't get to judge me, Chuck," Blair seethes. "As I recall, Nate and I were… what, three hours broken up when you started circling me like a vulture? And I won't even _begin_ to discuss how you decide to handle your business trades."

Shifting in his stance, Chuck clenches his jaw. "Yes, but everyone knew _I _had no morals. Now they know you don't either. Unless…" Chuck's eyes dart between Blair and Dan before settling on his ex. "You two are liars. Am I right, Blair? Are you and Humphrey a couple of fakers?"

Dan watches their exchange in a little bit of wonder and a lot of discomfort. He doesn't (and never did) understand the maelstrom of the relationship that is Chuck and Blair. Apart, the two are sometimes decent human beings, but together… together, Dan decides, they're toxic (and he can't help but think that with the poison removed from her system, Blair is actually pleasant).

Suddenly, Blair kicks Dan under the table, prompting him to turn in his seat with a bewildered look on his face. He knows he's supposed to say something, but he's not quite sure what; however, as Dan recalls the night Chuck slept with his sister, he finds the words rather easily. "Are you serious right now, Chuck?" Dan asks, incredulous, "Why don't you think it's possible that maybe, just maybe, Blair, you know, realized what an asshole you are and decided to, uh, I don't know, _move on_?"

Chuck's irritation is palpable as he claws the material inside his pockets. "I _expected_ her to move on, just not with trash like you."

Dan jumps out of his seat, fists balled. "Oh god, Humphrey, sit down!" Blair's fingers pull at Dan's arm as she tries to prevent a scene.

"I'm fine. Let go," Dan commands calmly, before directing his voice to Chuck. "Listen. Blair and I? Yeah, we don't care what you do with your free time, so Chuck, why don't you just, uh, go back to doing whatever it is you do and everything will be fine." Glancing at Blair reassuringly, he adds, "Come on, Blair. Let's get out of here."

"Good idea, Humphrey," Blair says sweetly, smiling as she takes the arm that Dan offers her.

They walk past a dumbfounded Chuck, the latter fuming as Blair gives him a triumphant smirk. "Yes, good idea _Humphrey_," Chuck growls. "Get out of here before I kick your ass."

Not bothering to look back, Dan replies, "Right, Chuck. I'd like to see you try."

* * *

Outside of the coffee shop, Blair hails a cab, prompting Dan to ask, "Um, where are we going now? I think our encounter with Chuck provided enough action for one day."

"Oh, shut it, Humphrey. You were great back there," Blair replies, moving over to make room for Dan in the small backseat. "And to answer your question, there's a new exhibit at the Met I wanted to go to. Besides, I figure we might as well give Gossip Girl a little more ammo so she can nail us on her next blast."

"I can handle the Met," Dan replies, relieved that Blair's urge to shop is absent today.

A question still burns in his mind, though, one that is far more than just an afterthought and one that holds, in Dan's opinion, serious implications. "Hey, Blair, I – I have to ask you something."

Blair looks at him expectantly. Taking this as his cue to probe away, Dan asks, "Uh, what exactly did you mean back there about Chuck's business trades?"

Visibly perturbed, Blair turns away from Dan and leans against the window. "Nothing."

Sensing that she won't be opening up anymore, Dan backs off with a quiet "alright".

_Maybe there really is more to Blair Waldorf than meets the eye, _he contemplates.

* * *

_AN: I am SO happy with the response to this story! It's so motivating. If you got that D/B meeting in the foyer was inspired by C/B meeting at the train station, you get like a thousand e-cookies. I always thought the action would suit DB more anyways. Anyways, I hope you guys found this chapter just as good as the others_. _Let me know!_


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